< one day at a time.. ~soft smile~ >
2003-05-12the day passed by quickly but i realised i must be at least partially gay. this girl ive always crushed over was around me most of the day. i hung out with her at herplace with some friends. god so tempting. could be just hormones...
chicken noodles rock.
i sat at my desk today, staring out the window and daydreaming as always. and i realised im not what i always thought i was.. i was a million of shattered things in other's eyes. my friends might see me as someone open and funny but random and sometimes frightening. enemies see me as something weird. dont like it, period. my friend sarah drew my face as i sat next to her , falling asleep in class. she showed it to me.. and i must say i look lovely and fragile in pencil. sarah makes me feel good.
how do you reach out to someone when you know theyre so far away physically and mentally and want nothing to do with you. when you know theyre much more content with someone else.. in their bed...fucking them.. but contently. contently. its tough. im feeling that tinge of hatred and jealousy and abondonment again.. i wanna tear this place down in agony and frustration. i wanna peel my skin from my bones. it doesnt matter. im only liked in small doses. after that when im gone im nothing. just gossip.. is she gay? i heard she likes that weird girl. she dresses like a guy.. oh shes bisexual.. slut.. shes sXe... obviously that means she's a slut.
youre so ignorant. i hope your own blood rises against you and it strangles you to death.
father will not understand, only prick and dig at my nerves. im not a damn guitar. im not your instrument for amusement. just cuz we same the same genes doesnt mean we're the same fucking asshole you are.
i had a dream about jay and silent bob.. prank calling in a bar. also included there with this man (maybe 30's) who was behind me oh so closely as i looked at all these pictures collaged on the wall. i try to focus but his protruding me from behind has become so bothersome and enticing. i hate to say it but i enjoyed it strangely in the dream. i usualy dont have sexual dreams.
i miss him as my interpreter of my dreams.. he did so well... he thought he knew me but i knew him... i can see right through him. now knowing that...the feelings were never real. the illusion... it's crushed. i see through him and he is nothing but another fucker in the bunch. or maybe im rambling hatred...need to close. need to open. need to love need to hate. i hate it. stupid brat in my head, not even optomistic in the slightest. very few you can count on. i dont enjoy mind play..specially when im so open and vulnerable just to show someone i care about the truth of me...
people are so easily two faced.. so easily... why are my friends like this? must i isolate myself again to avoid that kind of pain?
muzik: Chopin-Nocturne for Piano...(violin is better...so beautiful)
feeling: just casual loneliness, but im a tad happier.
Before / After