i forget to write my mood and muzik in dont i. hmm silly me.
is it really.. really wrong to be this incredibly perverted mentally FUCKED pathetic excuse for a human being when you fantasize about the torture of others or maybe the things you know youll never have?
yes.
my heart bleeds.
it wont stop.
the second i think its over. a new wave attacks. its unavoidable
i hate it. it burns. theres no possible way it understands how i feel... it never felt anything as to i did. if it did, itd be crying and cradling open wounds. the feelings will not disperse, things will not get better until youre either dead or i think your dead.
things like these dont heal quickly, you fuckhead. obviously they have for you. why. because to you it was nothing. it had to be, or something not much better.
man the other day i woke up and i swear my appendix exploded, or has been for a few days. i really wish it would, then set off a chain reaction of more explody in the body.
i need to escape. so i probably will spend a day or two just walking around. not letting anyone know where i am or where im going because most of the time i dont even know.
teenage years suck. though i should be considering myself an adult. i guess ill wander till i find those who feel that pain i do. i know of one. and i treasure him, alot. but i probably dont show it, and maybe it doesnt show/matter to him, i dont know but. he knows who he is. very derranged, very philosophical, very strong guy. felt the immense pain some of us will be (un)fortunate enough to not experience. able to open his arms and help us so that we dont walk his path. a somewhat self sacrificing way of life. its a painful beauty to uphold. though we're years apart id love to be with him, make him feel wonderful and provide passion and love to him. again. geography seperates us and so dont duties. as well as confusion and questions that arent asked since theyre is no wording that would make it elegant.
enough of that...i get mooshy.
i can feel this.. then i feel that loss and pain for it. for miami. for whatever. i shouldnt. reasons already listed. i should go and do some homework. or something. fucking skool. makes me feel so much worse.
pretty people. their looks are all that covers the facts about them.
ive never felt my tears really burn, i think they only burn when youve done nothing but stare at a wall all day long and wondered, mouth slate, drooling, if you could continue. sometime the tears were like a proof to you that you were alive. yea i was that stupid suicidal kid in skool. whod even cut her hidden wrists under a desk, i was so desperate. then my father, then my curiosity, then my experience, then my lust for the nocturnal and out of reality reality, then my insistant hormones.
have you gone through life as a non-believer and then one night just randomly prayed, thinking you had no choices left? this was your last resort, you might as well since youve probably done stupider.? yea . i did too. more of a 'hey..what do i do' just indirectly outwards. hoping, but not expecting an answer.
they say theres someone for everyone. i found my someone. or at least i thought for the longest time. still sort of do. and now....
i stop now.
empty.
Muzik: Manson- this is the new shit
feeling:.....love......hatred.....sorrow...so many
Before / After