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November 08, 2003
11:35 p.m.

I put a new pic of me up today maybe i felt like i looked good..

the second i come home i realise how miserable i keep becoming. right when im singing the song Criminal by Fiona Apple at 11:00pm, im so happy, im singing okee.. maybe a talent? then my mom walks in, says its too loud and to stop whatever im doing....

there was a lunar eclipse. a friend of mine is dating a stupid girl, a girl i know is dating a stupid boy, another friend i care for is i know in some sort of hurts me too. i wish you knew. you dont.

this headache..god it wont go it wont go..feels like im bleeding. my arm is but thats because i cant stopping picking the scab. im bad like that. god i regret these mistakes.

some days i worry.. ill zone so bad.. drowning in some sort of depression and i dont notice nor care what goes on. im sick of pain. and just everything. i know its vague and typical teen angst but sometimes i wish i wasnt here, someone else, someone else living a simpler life with no drama. sometimes i wished Orlando wasnt fake.. and he wasnt a dream that never really happened. i wish he was dead. dying a painful painful death. like having his eyes burned with a poker and having his legs and arms amputated the old fashioned way: ripped by being tied to horses or something. then having his whole soul and heart and mind degraded and scarred forever

i know i know.. i shouldnt care that that kid is dating a stupid bitch and i shouldnt care my good friend is going to keep a relationship where shes going to hurt the other deeply or that that guy wont ever go for me or that i already nearly tore the hope away from a good person..that i knocked over his blocks. i cried at that. thats why sometimes i wish i wasnt apart of his life. maybe id be better off if i wasnt there. so he could build with some other nicer kid.. and i could have a time out forever. i dont like causing pain on people.. i never expect whats going to happen. if im that evil just please stay the fuck from me.. or kill me or something.. i dont know. i dont want to hurt you but i already have.. stupid emotions and people. i wish i was a lil older. maybe 20 or older. im sorry maybe you should stay from me. what if i ruin your life? i dont care if youll risk it dammit your so selfish that way. i want you to have a good life. with me or without.

i should go to sleep. i had a good day. saw my friends, chilled, was loved, people understand my humor there, think im funny and cute and all these wonderful things..maybe theyre not real.. guess not. then i go back to skool.. whippee...

i bet theyre nice spikes.. you should keep them....

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