< Vent Time...To Orlando Montalvo >
July 16, 2003
9:33 a.m.
How the fuck could you? How is it possible... all the money we spent on one another all the love spent all the caring spent. how could you. no no non ononononnonon no. you havent heard the last of it. How, after so much... can you talk to me once in a blue moon and say absolutely nothing?! How, after all the tears spilled over possibilities of not being together, that you could turn your back on me. how can you bullshit love?! ITS NOT POSSIBLE. how the fuck could you look me in the eyes every day you were here and tell me how much you loved me. and you made me believe all of it. telling me youve looked for someone like me, gave me all the shit like you knew we were supposed to be together. you told me you hardly lied, but you lied every day for a YEAR. telling me you loved me. bullshit. it was never there, i poured everything out to you, gave you my all. gave you everything i could, devoted myself. i couldve fucked ricky! i couldve fucked you over but i didnt. how could you be so intimate and share everything with me and then suddenly *POOF* oh...'maybe i dont like her at all' WTF, i hate you for this. ive withheld my fucking life because the thought of you makes me cry and vomit at the same time. like i said id rather be raped over and over than go through what you gave me. you couldve torn my heart out and it wouldnt have made it as painful as this...oops forgot, you did tear my heart out. and i hope you remember all of it. all of it, orlando. because you fucking suck for this. i may have said 'it was alright' that you didnt feel anything for me but you know what i lied so i wouldnt upset you. no biggie you wont even read this, but ill remember, ill remember all the pain and all the suffering and devotion and love i shared with you. the things i gave you from my heart. you have made it impossibl for me to truly love someone..since now everytime im with someone or i fall in love... ill always be thinking in the back of my head 'does he/she really love me... or are they bullshitting me?' thankyou so fucking much. i wont let this ruin my life. ive taken shit but i never expected this from you... not you.. the one and only i loved completely more than anything. you couldve cheated on me or found someone better.. but this hurt more. id rather the cheating. brandon is better than you. and loving someone has nothing to fucking do with knowing yourself completely. no one FUCKING KNOWS THEMSELVES... for most of their goddamn life. and you told you not to fuck me over. i told you. and i have vengeful and good friends who def. will do something when they see me hurt. cas being one of them. as you know. i want to tear you apart.. at the same time i want to hold you.. but i cant. of course i can do the first one. wouldnt be hard. but christ. .. i just dont .. how could you fake it for a year. why ? what the fuck did i do. if it was coming here and seeing me, i understand, i was pretty ugly. still am, just a little less. but... anyways...
final word
fuck you. i hope everything in your life screws up. because you can not hurt people more than you have damaged me. im not whining. you need to know. you deserve any amount of pain in your life. let this be a lesson, smack in the face, kick in the balls whatever. hope you die knowing you ruined someone's life. thankyou.
Before / After
